It’s messed up that every single day that I am on the job I get a new eye opening, oh my fucking lord, experience. I mean I’ve always had an inkling of how messed up this world can be at times, but it has never compared to the reality that the kids I work with have faced in the past. On average, the kids placed in the facility I work for have had a minimum of 12 different placements in foster care and the like. I’ve found a few of them have had over 30 placements! Eh?! The scarier thought is the fact that for every child we have, there has got to be a 100 or more out there lost in the shuffle. *sniffle* I’m disturbed by this revelation to say the least.
Thought of the day! It was better than yesterday when I was driven to smoke a cigarette like my life depended on it or I was going to crack! I had to restrain a kid on my own, no other staff, in a locked gym with other residents. I had to have one of them get into my pocket and call out for more staff assistance. It really sucked. When staff is called to a PRT (Primary Restraint Technique) they’re usually a monitor. Monitors make sure you’re doing your PRT correctly, relieve you if necessary, and help diffuse the situation that occurred. So my very first PRT was one my own, my adrenaline is running 90 friggen miles an hour. I couldn’t really breathe except like a dramatic sniffling heave in short bursts. It’s hard to explain, but when you’re sitting there in a PRT you’re only praying your training has kicked in correctly. By the time the monitor got there and he relieved me seeing that I’m quite worked up. I was shaking pretty bad. Scary bad, it was a feeling unlike anything I’ve experienced. I must have been shaking for hours; it probably was hours, because I didn’t get first break until after lunch. CIGARETTE!
I can normally convince myself that a cigarette will taste like total shit if I have one in order to talk myself out of buying a pack. Yesterday, I wanted to focus on something else besides the trembling, anything else but that. CIGARETTE! Unfortunately, the whole self talking of it will taste like total shit didn’t work, because it tasted good, it felt good, and I had another right after that and felt better damn it all.
So today was a good day. No PRTs. I didn’t have 4 pink sheets to fill out for QR time (quiet room) and I didn’t feel the compulsion to buy a carton of cigarettes or even smoke today. I suppose I have to come up with a better coping skill than to bum a cigarette off a fellow staff member. It sucks that I went through that whole thing yesterday and I will continue to work on the not smoking thing. I’m not planning on giving up on the girls or my job. Yes, it’s a job, but it comes with some heavy heart ache, great joys, and glimmers of hope. I feel blessed for not having been through the things they’ve been through and I pray that I can give them the skills to live out in the real world.
Tammolly ~ Feeling lucky today.
...So if I die today I'll be the happy phantom
And I'll go wearin' my naughties like a jewel
I'm still an angel to a girl who hates to sin…
Sunday, March 25, 2007
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2 comments:
Yikes. Go have a beer, watch 300 (think lots of abs). Relax a little, hopefully time will help even out the highs/lows.
My DH has taken up cigar smoking to deal with part of the cigarette desire. He says even after years and years he still has moments throughout the week where he really wants a cigarette.
the cigars are cool, though, 'cause we can smoke 'em together. :)
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